Jennifer Herrmeyer, BSN, CEN, CPEN, RN, TCRN, recognizes the “red flags,” those subtle clues that indicate her patient or coworker could be in an abusive relationship. At one point in her life, she waved a few of those red flags herself. Herrmeyer endured years of abuse from the man who was once her high school sweetheart, but turned into a controlling, abusive boyfriend and then her controlling, abusive husband.
“I tell people to read between the lines,” Herrmeyer said. “How is the person acting? How is the partner acting? Look at the eye contact. Do they hesitate before they answer a question?”
In 2000, after 14 years with him, Herrmeyer was able to leave and turn her life around. She received therapy and read lots of self-help books, learning to protect herself from falling into another trap and regaining her self-confidence. She remarried into a healthy relationship, and she and her husband have two young adult children.
She also found healing by spending time in nature. She attended a wilderness medicine conference that made a strong impression on her, and she reads research on the therapeutic effects of the natural world. She volunteers with Boy Scouts and at a camp for girls run by her church, where she teaches skills like first aid and kayaking while trying to foster the campers’ self-confidence.
Now an ED nurse at Hennepin Healthcare in Minneapolis, Herrmeyer also tries to teach others, especially other nurses, to identify signs of intimate partner violence. Nurses, of course, can be in a position to help. They are also more likely than the general population to be in an abusive relationship themselves, Herrmeyer said.
She challenges people to reject the assumption that leaving an abusive relationship is easy, or that they themselves would never wind up in that situation.
“People say, ‘If someone hit me, I’d be out of there.’ But you don’t go along, la-la-la it’s great, and then someone hits you,” Herrmeyer said. “It sneaks up on you, little by little.”
She encourages people imagine scenarios that might prevent someone from leaving their abuser.
“I see a lot of condescending remarks and eye rolling,” Herrmeyer said. “I see coworkers say, ‘Oh, they’ll never leave.’” Financial insecurity, concern about their children, or death threats from the abuser are some of the reasons someone might not be able to escape at a particular moment.
Growing up, Herrmeyer initially thought she would teach art or music. But while they were still in high school, the then-boyfriend wanted her to go to nursing school while he went to medical school. A self-professed “science nerd” and daughter of an Army medic, she said the idea wasn’t too far afield, and it ultimately led to a career she loves.
A nurse Herrmeyer met while teaching ACLS and PALS encouraged her to join ENA. She found it to be “a good network of supportive people” who helped her see that she had much to offer in and out of the ED. She began teaching ENPC and TNCC several years ago.
When she learned in 2019 that her ex-husband had died, Herrmeyer felt ready to share her story. In 2022, she presented at a Minnesota State ENA event, where she was encouraged to submit a proposal for the session on intimate partner violence she delivered at the Emergency Nursing 2023 conference.
“It was freeing to be able to talk about it, to look at the situation from the outside, and to be able to help other people not get into the situation or get out of a situation,” Herrmeyer said.